I was listening to a podcast from the guys at “And the rest is History” about the Freemasons, the international order that was very popular in the 1800s and was established for mutual help and fellowship. One of its characteristics, besides for being quite secretive, was the ceremonial habit. One of the rituals to become a member, so it appears, was a painful ritual, where you would have to endure something terrible, inflicted by your fellows; so terrible and painful that it would remind you that death is a serious business.

The depressed people go through something terrible too, and when I was driving home listening to the hour-long podcast, I thought that the depressed would make a great exclusive, privileged club of modern times. Privileged is a word I choose not out of lack of better words, but because I do think that being “touched” by depression in one’s life, gives us the privilege of seeing the world in a different way. When we get out of it eventually, the world and the others do not look or feel the same to us. At least this is my experience.

It took me three years to be depression-free, give or take. The path was excruciating, the worst feeling of my life, if I hadn’t loved life so much I would have taken concrete steps towards embracing death. It was that bad. The feeling of depression is one that goes way deep down your soul, your body, your heart, your brain, your guts. When you are in the middle of it, in your deepest, deepest moments, you think you will never get out. “How could I ever be happy again?” I thought, “How long do I still have to live and endure this?” I thought. I saw my life eternally turning in the void, eternally condemned to live like that, without hope and with lots of emotional pain. Like in the Gironi of Dante’s Hell.

But little by little, with looots and looots of effort,and over a loooong period of time, the daily improvements, the daily routines, the psychological support from my therapist, plus sport, work, family, etc, set me free from depression, and today I see pink color, pastel blue, turquoise, marine green, ocean blu, rosa antico, pastures of endless fields, oceans of blue marine that make me happy. I am happy, and satisfied. And I see the world in a different way. Like in the Matrix, I am on the other side, a side that only a few know, a few privileged who have been depressed once, and are now free from depression enjoying every bit of life, every heartbeat, every breath, as it was the last. Because we were that close to our last breath, we were so close to death, dancing with it every day for days weeks years.

This is me today. I am happy, I am free, I am me.