For someone who wants everything and now, thinking in steps, small drops, little daily progress is a huge endeavor. It’s almost paradoxical: for me small steps take a huge effort! And yet it’s true: I realise it now, after losing the big love, after returning to a country where it’s difficult to make friends, and with a job that gives me lots of frustration, I would rather leave, and get the immediate gratification of moving away from here, rather than working drop after drop every day, in the hope that it will bring joy in the future.

Tomorrow is March 2021: 5 years since I moved back to Switzerland. Very hard times, let me tell you, and it ain’t over yet. But: I am learning to be patience, to not drop everything at the first (or second or third) difficulty; I have been wanting to quit my job since October 2020 (and in 2019 too), and have been telling myself to resist; this time you resist, damn it! It hasn’t worked out in the past, running away I mean, so why should it now? Resist! Embrace!

My psychologist, whom I meet every 2-3 weeks, tells me that I have this pattern: when I feel blocked I want to leave. Mmmhh. yeah! I feel so constrained that it feels unbearable. Leaving is finding new horizons, changing landscape, moving household. Change is good for me, I seek movement, change, speed. But he says that this is not good for me, it’s a wish for escape, but problems will not disappear, they will tag along. He may be right; I don’t like him particularly, but I keep seeing him, for one reason: I have been wrong before, he may be right. He got this typical Swiss attitude, the rational one, you know? Rational, pragmatic, boring. Add Switzerland and Covid, and you’ll get boring all right! But then I must say that Switzerland during Covid is quite extraordinary: I am able to ski, paddle board on the lake, walk around without a mask. It’s a little paradise.

So, long story short: I have to be patient, I have to go through my obstacles and blockages, the only way around it is through it. It’s so damn hard, but it is feasible. The medicine I am taking is helping me feel ok, even good again. Starting my new hobby is helping me tremendously (podcasting), and gives me inspiration that counterbalances the frustrations at work. Through some expat whatsapp groups I am meeting new, refreshing people, and that’s good. Step by step, drop after drop, I am going through this hard, dark winter: Fluoxetin has kicked in, some problems at work are being tackled, my podcast is finally up and running, skiing with new friends on weekends is fun, and the days are getting lighter, sunnier and warmer. Spring is around the corner.

Happiness is an atttitude: I can be happy if I so choose.

Step by step.