Since I went completely off antidepressants I have had one day of crying in September, depression style, and another sad morning, maybe end October. Yesterday, beginning of November, I had a small fight with my brother over something that is a family burden (my sister in law) and I cried a little bit, from anger really. This morning my mom sent me an audio message on Whatsapp and she said that I should contact my doctor, the Congolese psychiatrist, as soon as I start feeling signs of depression. I had a hard time waking up, I wanted to stay in bed, and now that I am alone at home, working from home, with a second wave of lockdown looming, I have tears in my eyes and start having those thoughts again, one building on top of the other, negative after negative. Is it me, or is depression really a real thing and is coming back?

I thought I was over it, very happy to have spent the last months in peace, with my heart lighter, the worries far away from my sensitive skin layer, and now that I am off Fluoxetin, exactly 2 months, things are starting again? I recall very well how I felt exactly one year ago. It was horrible. So horrible that I didn’t find any joy in anything I was doing. Winter is coming and I hate autumn, November is the worst month of the year for me, I hate the cloudy and rainy Swiss days, I grew up in Rome, where it’s sunny most of the year. Now, winter wouldn’t be a problem if I was feeling balanced inside. Thoughts of my past life with W. are re-emerging faster, a bit every day, whereas I had left that behind me for a while. I fall asleep thinking how stupid I was to leave the love of my life. Really? Am I again at that stage? What positive thoughts can I dig out, so that I can be happy, and keep steady, like my good friend says?

Keep steady, that is a good advice from A., he knows very well what depression is. having been on antidepressants for 30 years. Now he is off, cause they weren’t doing much. He feels exactly the same with or without. He feels better when he can move, go on his bike, see his sister, etc. A. tells me to remain steady in face of the adversities in life. It’s all how we perceive them after all. Now, will this be enough for me at this stage of my life? Now that I know how it feels with antidepressants, I am worried that my judgement will lean too easily towards Fluoxetine. It’s just easier.

Anway, I am not sure of whether I should give in, and call the damn doctor, or if I should give it some more time and work on my own exercises, like meditation every morning, maybe pump it to twice a day, then regular physical exercise, cardio possibly, then work on a hobby, resurface that damn podcast idea that is still there, waiting for me to make a move. Oh, there’s also a pilot licence I could be doing, paid by my company, which would be cool, but it worries me a bit, cause I risk to add more stress to my life. Already at work I feel stressed for having too much on my plate.

Bref, I don’t know.