3 September 2020 was my last day of Fluoxetin. I started in December last year. 20mg in December, January, February, March, April, May, then 10mg in June, July August. I did 9 months of antidepressants, and I am now off. How am I doing? Well.

I must say I was more regular in my routines back during the Covid lockdown, from March until July. Then came the holidays, and I went to Italy for two weeks. Super relax, camped at the seaside where I grew up, so I didn’t feel the need to meditate in the morning. The whole day felt like a huge meditation, it was great, no work, no pressure, no stress. All I did was eat, sleep, be in company of my parents and swim. But I have been slacking, and two things have gone missing in my life since I have started this depression fight process: meditation and sport. This week I am in Ticino for work, and so I have resumed meditation in the morning, but also stress is back, due to those tight deadlines at work, to not feeling appreciated when the CEO writes careless emails hurting people’s motivation, to traveling again, to being in traffic (Ticino is absurd by the way), and from not releasing stress through a good cardio workout. But, all that said, I feel good in the core. One month and counting, I feel good and strong inside.

Anger is still accompanying me a lot, like I described in a past post, but I prefer to be angry than to be depressed. I get a life kick out of anger, whereas I get no stimulus whatsoever from depression. At least when I am angry I review over and over again in my head the way I will make this or that person pay for what he/she did to me or one of my family members. When I was depressed, not even one year ago, I could not move from my bed, I had to hire a cleaning lady to fold my clothes, which I was leaving chaotically all over the apartment; I did not see any reason why I should move one single muscle. Anger is different: I am not often angry, but since taking antidepressants I feel that with my self confidence has come my anger for certain unsolved things in my life.

My sister in law for example, L., I am very angry at her. My CEO, sometimes I am really angry at him: he pays me less than my colleagues, while I bring the best deals to the company. Typical Swiss white male mentality; a woman is not paid equally, parity of jobs and disparity of treatment; I was hoping he would propose me a raise, after two years of being there and closing mega deals, but he hasn’t. So I am reviewing over and over again in my head (and I write down in notes) the speech I am going to make him, the negotiation process I envision, and I am exercising my orator skills in order to get from him what I want, without him getting angry at what I am asking. The 101 principle of negotiation, at which I am getting better, but still not 100% perfect.

Also, I am still doing mental exercising to channel my OCDs, the little things that drive me insane, from small habits to bigger issues. I catch myself reenacting the same process, and I stop it there. I want to do a lot of things to improve myself, not for the others but for me. I am learning to say “no” to people, when I feel that a “yes” will hurt me one way or another, eventually. I am giving myself more credit that I have been in the past, I am not lowering my self esteem to the privilege of weak people around me; it’s their problem if they are weak, not mine.

Anyway, lots of different messages in this post, but I thought to write something, as it has been already one month since I last wrote, and that’s not good.

Gotta go buy warm clothes. Winter has come so rapidly.

I miss W..