I have not written in over 15 days. I have been thinking a lot about the diary, and I made notes in my calendar of what I was going to write next. Work has been overwhelming, as we started going out again, visit customers, and going abroad. But despite the more hectic schedule, I have managed to always meditate in the morning. I do it as I wake up. Mornings are when I have most thoughts coming through my head, and I process what happened the day (or days) before and I do my list for the day. This list promptly shows itself while I am breathing through my mantra, and I try to not put attention to this list, but rather to let go my thoughts, as meditation teaches. Not easy, Especially these days, when I find myself being very excited about work – amazing if you think that in December I was ready to quit.

I am presently charged with positive emotions, sometime I am so excited and happy that I want to burst. If I think back only 6 months ago, my emotions were loaded with negative guns, firing up through my stomach, head brain and Agata brain suffering (see Agata here). Negative then, positive now; I’d rather burst of joy than of sadness, that is 100% sure. But I think of ways to protect myself from falling down into the abyss of depression, and for this reason I want to control my emotions, even when they are extra positive. Meditation helps me in the morning. And breathing consciously during the day.

I often think of my boss these days, He is a charismatic, young and ambitious man who has managed to create a great innovative company from scratch over a decade ago. I am working more and more on international projects and often happens that I sit with him, and the creative juices start pouring from both our heads. He is very inspiting and smart, and I feel excited and stimulated by his intelligence, and feel that we are on the same wavelength. This shoots in my vains the equivalent of 20mg of Fluoxetin per day, making my day and week better. I feel the seratonin going crazily well, and I want this to never end. But, I have to be very careful, to not make a yoyo out of this. Too happy today, too sad tomorrow. No way. Plus I need to remember that I have halved the dose of Fluoxetin, it’s been almost a month now, and so far so damn good. I don’t want to mess up my good work. That is why I want to control my positive emotions, so that I know how to control my negative ones one day. It is super important.

By reducing the level of excitement for things happening today, such as a good deal made with a client, a beautiful sunny day out with my family, a hike in the mountains etc, I know that I will preserve my newly found self, and will be ready for the gloomier days in life. Cause those are part of our life, it’s not always happy moment, it’s difficult ones, and the only difference it makes in me is how I deal with them. Half full or half empty glass. I choose the full.