Ego: the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.

https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-d&q=what+is+the+meaning+of+ego

I find fascinating this process I have put myself in: observing myself every day, for 30 minutes, through sheer breathing patterns. Myself is a broad word, and there’s more to us than just what we see, feel or perceive. It’s all of the above and more. We are probably the most fascinating species on this planet, at least to us, humans. We fascinate ourselves, that’s for sure. And we want to study each other, trying to be as objective as possible. Not easy, because we are at the same time the subject and the object of our study. Take a psychoanalyst for example, he or she must study the mind, the ego, the consciousness of somebody who looks, breathes, acts, reacts almost exactly like him or her. The mind has always fascinated me, like I am sure many of you. even more now, that I find myself having to deal with my thoughts in ways I haven’t done my whole life. And I am doing it because of a very clear goal: fight depression. I don’t like to call it a war against an evil being, because all is in me, and evil and good are both parts of our existence, but at the stage that I have come to be, only 5 months ago, I assure you it became a war, a war of survival, defeating this invisible virus (and I am not talking about COvid 19), this insidious pod that grows in you without you noticing until it’s late. But not too late.

Why the title to my today’s post? As I am learning about myself, my ego and my hard to detect feelings, as I try to listen to my guts (Agata is her name :-), thank you Casa de Papel) and observe as the thoughts come through my mind, making sure I don’t hang on to them but let go as they come, like when watching a movie, frame by frame, observing and letting go, well, when I do all of that, I focus during the day of not letting external events affect myself, including my ego. Ego is a big thing, and can make us miserable as well as invincible. In me there’s Mother Theresa, the sweet selfless person who dedicates her life to others, who tries to understand everyone and justifies everything by putting herself aside, and then there’s Claire Underwood (have you ever watched House of Cards?), the lady at the opposite end of the scale of good and evil, the one who will do anything to survive and prevail over others, whose moral values are as relevant as the brightest star at daylight. My personal pendulum leans naturally towards Mother Theresa, but let me tell you that my attempt to understand others and put myself behind others’ needs, just because I could do it, has not paid benefits over the years. And I am now trying to objectively observe and modify my own behaviour towards being more Claire than Theresa. Don’t worry, I won’t kill anyone :-), but I will make my own needs more a priority, I will not justify every time why I do this or I say that. I will think more of me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not a completely selfless person, I am a human being with all the characteristics of a human, I have my temper, I have my faults, and I am wrong many times, but time has come that I give the right weight to my own traits, my thinking, my opinion, my gut feelings, my instincts. Basta with listening to others because it’s easier, because I am able to listen and to let the other vent out…what about my venting out? what about my personal well being?

About the ego: I often mention it as a negative thing, like when the ego makes us more arrogant, or vulnerable, or aggressive. I want to learn more about my ego. I think ego is a way for me to find a balance between what I tell myself and what I don’t but, yet, I do think subconsciously. I’ll explore my dreams some more.

All this post has arisen because a dear friend made me angry on Sunday (two days ago). I felt that she didn’t think of my own needs and reasons. She was angry because I decided to do sports with someone else, and didn’t invite her. What about all the other gestures I showed her on that same day, Sunday? thinking about a way to get to see her right after sport, knowing she is very busy these days and doesn’t allow time for sport? What about my own feelings being hurt, and my own ego feeling sore? I stopped talking to her. I know, I am in my forties not twenties, oh well …. This friendship is dear to me and it is the first time in 2-3 months that I have felt down, angry and upset, the blissful state I have been in, joyful, happy, serene, motivated, etc, has gone on Sunday and I felt vulnerable again. Because of her. So I decided to stand my ground, and I won’t let go until she apologises. Is it right? not sure. What does the ego say? I can’t hear it right now.

More soon.