In a previous post I was writing about my dreaming pattern during the treatment with Fluoxetin (or Prozac, as they call the main brand). I have had a dream last night, which I started remembering while meditating (I meditate shortly after I wake up), and the dream was not a good one. It made me feel bad. What I dreamt is that I was depressed and had no will power to get up and do things. I dreamt of my ex boyfriend, A., the one who left me because he was not in love with me; I think I also dreamt of W., but I am not sure. The dreams were more vivid a month or two ago.

The phenomenon I was describing in the dream post reoccurred also in last night’s dream: I went to Geneva to pick up a box from a friend, and I revisited the places where I have been with A., and that made me feel uncomfortable. Not sad or depressed, but almost. I could manage my feelings and I felt them as if they were being observed by me from afar. I guess this is due to the effect of the antidepressant.

But at night, when my conscious guard was lower, and my subconscious had free roaming space, I have shuffled the day experience into negative thoughts, depression and unmotivated behaviour. It didn’t feel good. The good thing about this is, it was a dream, and I have snapped out of it. A look at the sky, a walk through my apartment (remember, it’s still COvid isolation time), and my reality looked much better than the dreamt one.

Before my healing process, the situation was reverted: the reality was a nightmare, I felt completely desperate, no reason to live, no joy in anything I did during the day, not even sport or yoga, which make me feel good in a normal condition; all I wanted is to sleep and dream of a happy moment for me. Anything that would help me not feel I was dying. Thank goodness, now the situation is the exact opposite: the dream is the less interesting (or even uncomfortable) part of my life, and the awake time is good. And yet I want to understand how to change my dreams. After all, we sleep for one third of our time on Earth, so sleeping and dreaming is an essential part of who we are. If uncomfort or desperation are still lingering there, in my dreams, with negative thoughts surfacing while I am sleeping, it means that depression is not over. Depression is sleeping, it’s being doped, and it’s looking for a weak moment to take possession of my awake time.

This is a fight, and I intend to win. I am already winning. Stay tough. Life is good.