(written on 11 dec 2019) Third week of Fluoxetin and since yesterday I have felt sad and helpless again. Maybe because I started working again. The thought of the tasks ahead overwhelms my head, and I have major difficulties discerning the single steps to take to solve one problem, and taking one thing at a time instead of looking at the big messy picture. This is the loop I find myself in, that I have to overcome: the gap I see between where I want to be and where I am, and the effort it takes to get there. So, instead of taking baby steps and start doing something, I paralyse (tétaniser in French), I block and petrify. And no action comes, which makes me more frustrated. The big picture in my life looks insurmountable. I don’t know how to get over this hurdle.

I haven’t written in days because I went on a long weekend with my family in Holland, and didn’t have a computer. I didn’t have much joy during the trip, but at least I wasn’t desperate. Being with my loved ones (father, mother, brother) helps. On the last day I started feeling anxiety build up, ’cause they were leaving before me, and I had to stay a whole afternoon in Amsterdam by myself. Usually it would be no problem, but since my breakdown I fear being alone. What a mess! Head, please get it together, this is not the end of the world. Listen to me!

Working I think helps, or should help, ’cause it distracts me. But this morning it is 8am and I am writing the diary instead of getting ready to work. How can I explain what goes on in my head… let’s see. There is a physical sense of discomfort all around my cortex, the stomach is burning, as I think of the actions I will have to take to write and to call this or that client, I boycott my own thoughts and images of action, so that inaction feels simpler and more comforting. Can anyone help me overcome this? Have you been in a similar situation and have got out of it?

I will see the psychologist for the second time tomorrow. I am not sure if he is the right one. It’s so difficult to find a good one who can interpret your thoughts for you. He told me he will help me find again what I truly desire, he thinks that’s what’s missing, my deepest desire, what I wish for in my life. I feel I need daily instruments to help my mind find peace; something like mental exercises of positive thinking, but not just positive affirmations which I personally find of no use (the likes of “I am good, I am abundant, I am great” etc).

Well, I know what makes me happy: it’s the constant discovery of new experiences while traveling around the world with a companion who shares my passion. Being surprised by the beauty of this world, encounter amazing people and explore, get my senses stimulated, rejoyce of the sunshine on my skin, the wind in my hair, the sense of freedom the world gives me.