I knew this day would come. These past couple of days of feeling normal did not ratify the end of my problem. It would have been great to just make all my sadness disappear like that, after one week of pills. One true thing: the medicine only helps to make you feel more “upbeat”, but it won’t solve the deeply rooted problem. you won’t cry, but your issues won’t disappear. For this I need to do a tremendous work on myself, with the help of a psychologist (whom I see this week for the first time).

I haven’t slept much last night. Overwhelming thoughts were stressing me and waking me up every 2 hours. I blame partially Fluoxetin . Even Michael Sealey whom I listen to from time to time on YouTube, when I feel very upset, has only partially relieved my internal turmoil. Another thing I never thought I would do: listen to meditation audios on YouTube. But I am in survival mode, and whatever helps, I take. Michael Sealey was suggested to me by the YouTube app, and I truly appreciate the hard work he has put into making very compelling audios to help (now) 1 million subscribers sleep better, relax, tone down their stress. His voice is very calming, I see why he has reached one million followers. I hope to keep his constancy when I finally do my podcast. If you want to check him out, this is what I listened to last night: hypnosis to let go of negative attachments. Take note: breathing is key.

So, yesterday I spent the afternoon and evening watching two movies and a documentary about Lady Diana; despite the interesting docu about Lady Di, I feel I have wasted precious time in front of a charming box that emits noise and colored images. I could have hiked, swom, visited another country, learnt how to do pottery, climb, work on my podcast…. Anything I don’t experience myself gives me a big clog in my stomach, cause I am missing out on opportunities in the world. This inactivity didn’t make me sleep at night.

That’s the thing : with depression everything seems so unachievable to me, that doing nothing becomes the easiest thing. I am not happy about doing nothing, not at all, but the thought of taking step 1, 2, 3 etc of a project I have in mind (be it washing the dishes, climbing a mountain or making a podcast) becomes very stressful.

And this morning I feel anxious, and a bit desperate, although the medicines are preventing me from crying, for which I am grateful. But the stomach hurts. I wonder if working today is a good idea.

And yet I have handled stressful tasks in the past, through my previous jobs. But that’s another story.

Will aim for a better day tomorrow. Life is beautiful. I just lost the glasses.